It is NOT the same

word cloud widow

OK – I have got my ranty pants on here because I am So Tired of hearing the following statement:

“You are lucky – my husband is such an arsehole – I wish He was dead”.

Usually uttered by my divorced friends who keep on telling me How Much Tougher they have it due to custody battles and financial settlements.

And I understand that at this point in time, they truly hate the person they once loved.  That they are hurting and feel betrayed by love.  That legal battles are not fun. Disputes over children are fraught with emotion and righteous indignation.   Financial hardship is hurting their lifestyle.
And I feel the hate for their husband emanating from their mouths in steams of vitriolic rage.

But.

Being widowed and being divorced are NOT the same.

I listen to all these reasons quietly, repeating in my head that the do not know what they are saying because they have not walked in my shoes.

I deeply love my husband.  Still.

I  cry myself to sleep every night.  Still.

In my darkest moments, I fine tune my exit strategy.  Still.

I look upon the compensation payout as blood money.
I am sick of the ongoing legal battle for the insurance company to pay out the full amount of compensation.
I am still trying to live day-to-day on a single wage and the entirety of ALL expenses fall on my shoulders.
I am worried about what will happen to my-husbands-now-MY-share of the farm that is jointly owned with his brother who can’t see that I need the money from the sale of said farm more than I need to retain ties with a farm that I am convinced caused the premature deaths of both his parents.
I tire of being the only adult making major life decisions that affect our children.
I would dearly love to find a great bloke and fall in love again …. but   Greg set the benchmark so high that I doubt I will ever meet another soul who is so perfectly imperfect for me.  Even if I was ready.

But I don’t say anything in response to these friends who tell me that death is easier than divorce because their Dad died and they had to put up with their batty mother who went  insane and life was still so much better than being divorced ….  I don’t comment that losing a father is not the same as losing a husband and I don’t say that almost every widow I know has thought of suicide at one time or another and I don’t point out that her mother’s insanity was probably deep grief mixed with depression and terror.

But perhaps I should.

Perhaps I should say the one thing I know to be true:

Death and Divorce are NOT the same and until you have walked in both sets of shoes and reflected on each experience through the distance of time, please do NOT tell me how much harder you’ve got it.

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4 thoughts on “It is NOT the same

  1. megan says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen.

  2. bushbabe says:

    What a stupid thing for ‘friends’ to say. Thoughtless and clueless to your journey, really. You know, I think you WILL find someone. Someone who is not Greg and doesn’t try to be. Someone who enjoys the beauty in you and your gorgeous family. Someone who knows you will always love your first husband and that it should never be any other way. Huge hugs. ♥

  3. corymbia says:

    Thanks gorgeous.
    The friends are work colleagues who aren’t quite as good at masking pain as I am. I could win the next Australian Gold Medal in “Putting on Big Girl Panties”.
    and if you know a nice bloke, be sure to point him in my direction!

  4. debby3768 says:

    Holy cow. I can’t imagine thinking such a thing, let alone saying it. These people are assholes. I think that I would look square at them and say, “I cannot imagine thinking such ugly words let alone saying them out loud.”

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