I have been accused of wallowing in my grief.
Of choosing not to see light, but only dark.
I tell my story just how it is.
…and I already DO lighten it up because I’m not yet crazy enough to write down the real darkness that I don’t let you see.
There is only so much I can suck up for the sake of my kids.
…and believe me when I say I shield them from So Much.
But they live in my house, so they are exposed to some of it.
One of the things I just can’t suck up and smile through is Mothers Day.
and my birthday
These are days when I used to love feeling part of a family. Not this damaged family that we’ve become (
and if you tell me we still are a family I will bite your head off – fair warning).
This is not the family life I wanted for my children nor myself. It is wrong. I hate it. Some days, I can barely conceal my hatred of it. (
…and if one single person mentions mindfulness and ‘finding peace’ where I am, I will eat them alive and spit out their bones).
and Mothers Day is one of those days.
All mothers day means to me now is more work. Another crappy Chinese import the kids have bought from the local cost-cutters. A card. and then I have to make my own damn breakfast or face the consequence of a kitchen floor covered in weetbix and milk.
A day when I used to look forward to pancakes and coffee waiting for me. A day when another adult reminded me that I am the light of their lives and someone they truly want to be with. That he and I together have made this wonderful family full of love. This family who are everything to each other.
Not other adults who feel sorry for me, or my kids when I tell them we are not doing mothers day.
“Oh, but you should do it for your kids” they say.
I do everything for my kids every other day.
Its my freaking job.
But I cannot face another celebration day where someone is missing.
It just makes it worse.
So that’s why my kids are going to have to suck it up tomorrow. I Do Not Want mothers day. I can not bear it.
So we will just have a normal Sunday of cleaning the house and gardening and ignore the fuck out of the families celebrating all around us.