Uncontrolled Release

Down the hatch...
Image by slgwv via Flickr

There is no doubt that Wivenhoe dam saved Brisbane from worse flooding. But it only covers about a third of the total catchment for the Brisbane River, so Brisbane still flooded.

I heard a hydrologist speaking about the way in which the dam operates….. it is designed so that hydrologists can operate and control the release of water in such a way to both minimise flooding downstream while preserving the integrity of the dam wall.

If the inflow of water became so great that the structural integrity of the dam was compromised, the dam is designed to regulate itself and perform what’s called an uncontrolled release.

This is not the scenario that we ever want to see because the dam can’t tell what the tidal river is doing and will dump enough water to preserve itself with little regard to the river conditions.  Specifically, the flood which has coincided with some of the biggest tides we’ll see all year which needs carefully planned controlled releases of water to minimise damage downstream.

….and all of this made me think about  grief…

I find I have to regulate the times during which I allow myself to wallow in  complete despair, cry out in pain as the hot, angry tears course down my face.  I have to swear and scream and tell God exactly what I think of him.  I have to feel sorry for myself and rant and rage about how utterly fucked up my life is.

Because when *I* regulate the spillway of grief, I get to do it  when nobody can hear me scream.

The last thing I want is an uncontrolled release at school, or near the kids, with friends or while driving the car.

…and it fucking sucks when it hits as I lay in our bed and see the empty space and that voice in my head keeps saying don’t go there, don’t think about the “multiple injuries”. dont’ do it now, you need to sleep, find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place….

Except all of my happy places have Greg in them.  They are happy places BECAUSE he is there.

So I need to find another way of controlling the release.  Of controlling the uncontrolled release.

Of controlling the other two-thirds of the catchment not covered by the dam on my grief.

and that is a bloody hard thing to do.

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8 thoughts on “Uncontrolled Release

  1. Bush Babe says:

    Hugs – they say it’s better oot than in!!

    BB

  2. lyndamo says:

    My tears fall hardest when I am alone and driving; not the safest and yet the most private space I can access. I try to hold it in around people who wonder why I still cry every day.

  3. I don’t know how you do it. But you do control it, because you have to especially with the kids.

    Take care.

  4. Chookie says:

    So beautifully put. So hard to do.

  5. megan says:

    yes, exactly – how to find an anchor, or a good image, or anything at all when he is IN all those places, and he is not.

    This is how I try to get myself to think about what “resilience” could mean – the Not being blindsided and swamped in places it is really not in my best interest to be said swamped. Controlling the spillway just enough to not scare animals or young children, and to not evoke “helpfulness” from the general public.

  6. Rhu says:

    Big hugs, babe x

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