Twilight was Twaddle

I must be the only female in Australia who wasn’t that fussed on the Twilight series of books* (warning – generalised spoilers follow).

A short version of the series for those who haven’t read the books:

Twilight (book one): Edward Cullen is a  vampire and he is hot.  Very hot. Bella Swan is a human and she is plain.  And clumsy.  Initially, Edward wants to eat Bella but decides not to (for he is vegetarian)  and they fall in lust.

New Moon: Edwards goes away.  Bella has no internal fortitude and mopes while he’s gone.  She uses another boy (Jacob Black, very tall, very hot local werewolf) to help her feel better.  He falls in love with her but she’s still pining for ol’ fang.  Bitch.  Edward is also pining and tries to kill himself but Bella arrives at the last minute. They still end up pissing off the vampire royalty who insist that Bella be turned into a vampire or she must die.  Edward is horrified but Bella wants to turn into a vampire.

Eclipse: Edward is back for good. Bella wants to get hot and heavy with him but his self-control is remarkable and …let’s face it … too unrealistic to be remotely believable. Later in the book, some vampires and werewolves kill other vampires. Bella wants to bonk Edward.  Part of her would also like to bonk Jacob.  Nobody bonks anybody.

Breaking Dawn: Edward and Bella marry and finally bonk.  Not that the reader would necessarily know.  Bella ends up pregnant so we are lead to believe that some bonking took place.  The demon-pregnancy nearly kills her so Edward turns her into a vampire.   Meanwhile Werewolf Jacob falls in love with the baby.  Apparently not in a paedophilic way. Thankgoodness there is no bonking there.

Well OK I know they were written for teenagers but ….
so far we’ve given those teenagers a “role model” whose self esteem is entirely dependant on one bloke or another and who is so self-absorbed she needs a dose of Get Over Yourself.

There’s violence aplenty and yet Meyer seems too coy to write a decent sex scene … she just entirely skips anything remotely juicy.
Now I’m not exactly a Nora Roberts fan (I hate her with a passion) but her one redeeming feature is that she can write a decent sex scene and Ms Meyer could learn a thing or two from good ol’ Nora. …and again, I get that she’s writing for a teenage market BUT she doesn’t shy away from vampires ripping each other to shreds then firebombing the bodies so why does she get all coy when her readers finally think they are gonna get something productive from all those pent-up teenage hormones?

Buffy would sooooo stake Edward.

Buffy Vs Edward (Twilight Remixed)Watch a funny movie here

9 thoughts on “Twilight was Twaddle

  1. rhubarb says:

    Ha! A fun reveiw. I did enjoy the books – although book 2 irritated me as it seemed to go nowhere – but I found them a light and easy read.

  2. Chookie says:

    No, you’re not alone. A net-friend’s daughter didn’t like it either!

  3. Liz says:

    I can’t bring myself to read the books or see the film. I take great exception to wasting my time on girls who are too stupid to live and this franchise sounds like such a retrograde step on what women have tried to achieve over the last 30 years. Smart Bitches had a very in depth post about the whinyness of the female character and the stalkerness of the male. If there is anything I hate it is the silly whiny female in a book. I want cleverness and feistyness like Hermione Granger! I want characters that rock! Unfortunately Pascal is drawn to the ads about Twilight because she is a vampire fan. I will be introducing her to much better examples before she ever get to see this film.

    Oh and you may not be a Nora fan – but she has some excellent female characters. I have been rereading her 90s trilogies and they still hold up. Her later works have mostly not been so good, unfortunately. If you want some Nora suggestions just let me know.

  4. leechbabe says:

    I’ve still not read the Twilight books only just now getting around to the Sookie Stackhouse novels which have impressed me far more than the TV show True Blood which is based on the books.

  5. Jayne says:

    Haven’t yet read the books, I’m still hankering for Dark Willow (Buffy) to return lol 😉

  6. M & B says:

    I have Twilight sitting on my bedside table, awaiting things to chill out around here 🙂 Therefore, I only scanned your post… will get back to you on my verdict soon!

    I am a major Buffy fun and have the whole set on DVD. I have an annual Buffy Fest 🙂

  7. Twilight mania hasn’t hit here in a big way. But I seen enough about it to not really want to bother. And now I’ve red the synopsis I don’t need to. ta.

  8. corymbia says:

    Rhubarb – they were a light read really. I am just sulking due to the lack of gratuitous sex scenes 😉

    Chookie – I like your net-friend’s daughter’s style – smart girl there.

    Liz, try as I might, I just can’t really get into Nora or her alter ego (JD Robb). My fav author at the moment is Ilsa Evans.

    Marita – let me know what you think of Sookie

    Ahh Jayne and M&B – I am a fan of Buffy. Now young Angel was Hawt and Buffy was one fiesty gal.

    WFI – it was getting to the point that every conversation was about Twilight … even with the intelligent, sane RL friends I have … and I hate not knowing what people are talking about so of course I had to read them. See – it was peer pressure!

  9. leechbabe says:

    I’ve just finished rewatching all seven seasons of Buffy. By god that show rocked.

    Currently on Angel season three (Connor ::shudder::).

    Sookie rocks, I love the books. Also loving the show True Blood, just in a different way to the books… Eric Mmmmmm

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