Christmas Crazy: Dear Heather and John

Dear Heather and John,

What a thrill to receive your virtual Christmas card today – to save on waste you say. How thoughtful. I must remember to send you a virtual card for your birthday next year.

…and Gosh, what an amazing year you’ve had and how lovely of you to send us such a detailed description – 30 pages with photos! You can imagine our excitement.   Hubby loved the photos of your new Rolls Royce so much that he  commented what an amazing bunch of complete knobheads over-achievers you all are to have such a pretentious lovely car.

Personally I couldn’t go past the the pictures of  Mr Waggy.  I just love dressing up animals for Christmas … and no, I don’t find it at all cruel to dress animals for Christmas.  I’m sure Mr Waggy looks delighted to be in his little snow suit!

We particularly enjoyed hearing about John’s appointment to the Supreme Court, and Heather’s reception at Buckingham Palace – Simply Smashing!

Oh and your talented off-spring – congratulations to Jemima for her outstanding win in the dressage section at the World Equestrian Games. Thanks so much for the 10 photos you sent us of Jemima on her horse ‘Hunter’ – I can see why he gets the big bucks for all his stud work and why Jemima is still unable to form a meaningful relationship with another human at 38.  I do like Hunter’s Christmas portrait….


…and since you ask:

….yes – hubby is still doing the same job he was when you last visited us two years ago and hasn’t had a promotion,

… yes – I am still working part-time,

…yes –  we still have two children,

…and no –  we’re still not sure what kind of animal it was the washed up on our local beach and stunk our our suburb during the week of your last visit here. The authorities think it might be some sort of giant sea cucumber. … they are even considering naming it after you since you were the one to insist that I report the smell to the authorities which in turn lead to the carcass being found.

Anyhoo – I must dash to the local bottle-o as the cask of Chardonnay is almost empty and we are expecting the inlaws for dinner … and well… you know how they do like a tipple.

Thanks again for your wonderful letter. Can hardly wait to hear what adventures you get up to in the New Year, but hubby has pointed out that you’ll be sure to tell us all about it.

Love and air kisses from all of us.


This post brought to you by


The Fabulously Fabulous Kelley and her good friend Burgh Baby.

(and big nods to Pat McDermott who’s idea I shamelessly stole after really receiving a virtual Christmas card from a friend which included virtual reams of wanky detail … but  I’ve modified those details ever so slightly to protect the innocent.  …and damn my goody-two-shoes ethics which prevented me from posting some of the pictures attached to the original e-mail).


19 thoughts on “Christmas Crazy: Dear Heather and John

  1. Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaa!

    Should I write one to the Golden Child?

  2. Karen says:

    Do you know my sister?

  3. leechbabe says:

    I think I’ve seen that letter coming from my sister in law.

    Mr Waggy looks like he’s going to grow up to be one of those doggies that kills their owner and then eats them.

  4. Damama T says:

    OH, that is too funny! I get letters from one of Hubby’s cousins whom we have not seen, despite numerous invitations to our home, in nearly 25 years. I’ve watched her kids grow up through the mail! Good at you for stabbing back! LOL!

  5. Mishelle says:

    Awwwww Hunter is precious in Christmas garb!

    -Secret Agent Mama

  6. corymbia says:

    Thanks for the comments everyone…

    Kelley – perhaps a OTT toast to the GC during the Christmas celebrations would work … or maybe you could just thank him for his Goldenness in his very own Christmas card where you include the bill for his share of the Christmas Party MOTY insisted on…

    Womb for Improvement (sorry I don’t know your name but even though I’ve been lurking at your blog for a while now) – I read that link – hilarious!

    Karen – it must be … errr…. ‘interesting’ to get a letter from your *sister* like that. Although having said that, my sister in law is very quick to tell me how much better her kids are compared to mine whenever she get the chance, but I’m starting to perfect the line “Thanks for telling me” which seems to shut her up.

    Leechbabe – ahh yes – the competitive sister in law. Fun for all. …and I reckon Mr Waggy is thinking “I’m soooo gonna wee on the tree for this”.

    Damama T – Ha – you’d get a kick out of the link Womb for Improvement sent.

    Stimey – Thanks 🙂

    Mishelle – Hunter is a delight isn’t he?

  7. Susie says:

    OK, I get why you are on the Crazy Christmas list and why you are friends with the BURGH BABY. You just made my favorites list.

    This letter is absolutely SUPERB!!!!!

  8. Kel says:

    Christmas letters, ugh. I even gave up sending cards cause then I get taken off their list.

  9. lightening says:

    That’s a classic!!! 🙂

  10. corymbia says:

    Susie – thanks 🙂 I’ve just discovered Burgh Baby via Kelley at Magnetoboldtoo but I’m already loving her blog. I’m discovering so many fantastic blogs (and people) through the links (like yours which I’m reading right now ;).

    Kel – Ah HA! Just don’t respond to the letter – Of course. Why didn’t I think of this earlier?

    lightening -Ta (she says, again taking credit for an idea pilfered from elsewhere;)

  11. outnumbered says:

    I was wondering when Christmas cards were going to go virtual. Looks like this year.

  12. Greta says:

    OMG, this was hilarious! It would be interesting to see what happened if you sent it! I’ve got rellies like this – their kids are always better than mine in every way, and their lives are always more perfect. I have to ask though, if everything’s so wonderful, why do they feel the need to compare themselves to me – someone so CLEARLY beneath their level? I love the virtual cards which are like forwarded emails:

    “Dear whoever-you-are,

    Just letting you know how special you are to me by sending you a cc of an email I’m sending to fifty other people.

    It’s a real token of my friendship that I have exhausted my poor clicking finger by checking the box on your name, along with the other fifty people I sent this email to.

    Here’s a lot of boring details about my life – I can’t ask about yours, because this is a group email and there are too many people recieving it to ask about specifics.

    Yours “sincerely,” Blah blah.

  13. corymbia says:

    Outnumbered: Thankfully I’ve only got 1 newsy e-mail that was pretentious enough to call itself a “virtual Christmas card”

    Greta (so glad you are here :): I think it was the smugness of the thing that got me “we are so perfect don’t you wish you were us” … and I admit that I started writing a “proper” one back, but found that I really couldn’t say the things I wanted to (damn that self-censorship!).

  14. Greta says:

    Hee hee, I write a lot of letters that I would never send – because if I sent them the recipient would never speak to me again (hmm, that might not be such a bad thing, actually…)

    It’s so therapeutic, isn’t it?

    Smug people bug me, too. Especially if I sense that it’s all for show. I have one rellie who is smug because she has lots of junk in her house (wide screen tellies, a huge spa bath that takes half the town water supply to fill, a brand new car that’s worth more than all of my assets put together etc).

    The hilarious thing is, she thinks I will envy her because she has all this rubbish.

    But I don’t envy her AT ALL, because I know she’s held by a ball and chain to her MULTIPLE credit card debts which she will probably never repay in the course of her natural life. Would I want to have that kind of debt hanging over my head? No thanks. I think I’ll stick to my regular bathtub and twenty-dollar TV, THANKS ALL THE SAME.

    Hey, you know what? I can click on the links from your comments on my blog, and come straight to your blog! I love our new blogs. Pooh to Tom, I say! Good riddance! Now, if we can just convince K, Mel and E to come here…

  15. corymbia says:

    Ahh materialism.
    Well, sorry to say but we RULE in the materialism stakes … providing you only count having a lot of “stuff” as being materialistic. Pity that most of its been salvaged from the dump so its not much use when trying to brag about it.

    …and yeah – we are gonna have to work on K, Mel and E to get themselves a *real* blog. Besides, I need someone to tell me how to set this thing up properly.

  16. Greta says:

    Hee hee, you Rock, Amanda! Hey, raiding dumps and council pick-up days is not materialistic, it’s environmentally responsible! At least that’s what I keep telling myself…

    I’ve been on a massive de-clutter mission (I was forced to do it because of my big move), and I’m quite freaked out and confronted that I’ve clung on to so much junk for so long!

    Among it: incomplete packs of cards; about six different kinds of moisturiser (I only use one kind); enough matchbox cars with broken wheels to fill a shipping container; ridiculous amounts of clothes that have been sitting there for five years “for when I lose my baby weight” (ha!); smelly, rancid make-up (I never ever use make-up); an embarrassing amount of washed-out glass jars and plastic containers that have been gathering dust for years so I can “re-use them and do my bit for the environment” (not much point when they’re just turning your house into a recycling depot);

    OK I could probably keep you scrolling down for hours with my ebbarrassingly long list, but I’ll stop now –

    “Those that live in glass houses should not throw stones” – that’s me! I’ve accumulated far too much “stuff” for my liking. I’m hoping to retrain my brain a bit, it really is draining to have to go through and sort it out.

  17. corymbia says:

    Hey – you mean I’m not the only person who hoards stuff?
    The sad part is that I hate clutter.
    I just have so much trouble binning stuff that could be useful .. even if that bin has a big yellow lid (recycling) or it says “St Vinnies” on the side.

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